ReadySetMom

Open Letter to PPS on January 4, 2009

Dear PPS,

While I understand that you have the safety of staff and children in mind when you make the decision to close schools for snow days, I'm begging you: YOU CANNOT close schools and declare a snow day on January 5, 2009. Really. Our kids have been out of school for over three weeks. All children will be left behind at this rate. I think I speak on behalf of all west-side moms. The children need to go back to school. Really. Really-really-really. Pretty-pretty-please. With sugar on top. I don't have many resources, but if you take bribes I'm prepared to barter.

Sincerely,
A West-side Mom

Reality check

Westside parents, you do realize our children will probably be home until January 5, don't you? I mean, if this blizzard blows through tonight and dumps more snow on us, we're totally doomed. Yes, doomed. Two weeks vacation was daunting, and now this? I'm starting to chew on my arm. My children and I can now only communicate via grunts and chirps. Quite effectively, I might add. The seven year old seems to have forgotten everything she's ever learned at school, staring dumbly at me when I ask her to get four forks out of the drawer. "Four?"

Aaarrggghhh! I'm gonna lose it, man. I actually did manage to spend an hour kid-free at Fred Meyer today with everyone else in SW Portland. Yep, I was buying firewood and Duraflame logs and cans of soup because you just never know. So I'm crazy with children and crazy with emergency preparation and just CRAZY. Not a good week for The Daily Show to go on vacation.

How you doin'?

Did you know...? (volume 2)

Did you know...

• that a child who can read and has an ounce of coordination can quite handily manage one of those child-proof lids? And is quite proud of her accomplishment. Vitamins anyone?
• that if a tooth falls out out in the middle of the night or after bedtime, the tooth fairy gets a reprieve, and doesn't have to redeem any teeth and/or deliver any goods until the following night?
• that advent calendars really should be marking off the number of days remaining where both kids are in school at the same time in order to get all the sneaky prep for Christmas done and not have to pull an all-nighter on Chrismas eve
• there is usually one weekend day in December where the sun shines, making it an ideal day to put out strings of light, clean out your gutters, get a tree, etc. (and if you miss it, you're probably in for a super soggy slog). Ours was last Saturday.
• that those washing care labels in high-tech rain gear that advise you NOT to wash your raincoat in regular liquid detergent really mean it? And that if you disregard the warning and go ahead and wash it with the regular stuff, Goretex ceases to be water repellent?
• that if you are lucky enough to have a "shoe recycle" box magically appear at your local library branch, if you procrastinate long enough about bringing in your beat up athletic shoes, the box will then magically disappear...

Did you know...?

...that sometimes the Tooth Fairy has so many homes to visit in one night that she'll sneak in during breakfast?

...that a hermit crab could be dead for several days before anyone notices?

...that dead hermit crabs smell just like other dead animals?

...that if you interrupt a certain Burlingame Fred Meyer cashier while she's texting, she'll make you bag your own groceries?

...that a child who isn't dexterous enough to zip his own pants can actually fasten a hair clip to the inside of his cheek?

...that a hair clip covered in saliva is really hard to unfasten?

...that when a first-grader randomly opens Webster's Dictionary, the first word she'll probably see is 'boob.'

...that when a word is repeated over and over again about 500 times it loses all meaning?

...that a large percentage of men who watch NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams apparently suffer from erectile dysfunction?

...that people who tear through the SW Community Center parking lot in pursuit of a front-row parking space are going straight to Hell?

Yep. Glad I could help.

Fall colors fail to dazzle the kids

Fall foliage is amazing.

We have vivid red maple leaves scattered about the lawn. There are just enough of them to make a beautiful sight, but not enough of them to make me groan about having to rake them.

A particular tree out my kitchen window has me mesmerized. The silvery yellow leaves look like they're practically glowing, even in broad daylight.

Of course I think my kids should be appreciating the fall colors as much as I do. But here's how the conversation went yesterday:

Me: "Guys, you have to see these yellow leaves. They look like they're glowing!"

Son: "Cool. What's for dinner? I'm starving."

From the car, I'll point out a hillside ablaze in red. My children barely lift their heads from the books in their laps.

Maybe I'm just not using the right words. Next time I'll try, "Ohmygawd. Those trees look like SpongeBob on fire!"

Why aren't my kids as excited as I am about this show being put on by Mother Nature?

New backpack is a real drag

Twenty-six days.

That's precisely how many school days it took for a gaping hole to appear in the bottom of my son's brand new backpack. The backpack he begged me to buy because it has wheels and a retractable handle and a cool black-and-white design.

The wheels were supposed to make it easier cart his stuff around. Instead, it's made it easier to drag his stuff around, usually on the rough concrete, thereby tearing a hole where backpack meets sidewalk.

I am so tempted to make him haul his lunch, his homework folder and the jacket that he always balls up in there WITHOUT the use of any backpack. Maybe if he had to carry everything around in an unsightly grocery bag, he might take better care of his belongings. Or not. He actually suggested we just patch it up with duct tape, so obviously he cares not a bit for aesthetics.

But, really, I can't place the blame solely on him. This wheeled backpack is so poorly designed that it tips at the slightest turn. It's a wonder we didn't see a hole by the 6th day. I guess we should have done a better test-drive.

Do all backpacks on wheels suffer this fate? Do you have a backpack that's extra durable? Are boys harder on backpacks than girls?

Get on back to school if you know what's good for you!

Due to unforeseen circumstances, summer has been canceled. After an exhaustive examination of the facts, it has been determined that summer is indeed too long. It needs to be ended immediately. Children must return to school. Their brains are turning to mush. I have arranged for today's unseasonably cool, rainy, and thunder-and-lightning-filled weather to emphasize my point. Sorry for any inconvenience.

So while during Friday's heatwave, Heather was fantasizing about riding a horse on a beach with George Clooney to slake the heat, I could only think of how in the world I will pass these next few weeks of summer with pretty much nothing to do. Apparently, I could use a little help in the fantasizing department.

While I've heard other Portland moms fantasize about how summer break should start in July and go through September to maximize summer weather enjoyment, I will hold fast to my dream of summer just being shorter. My understanding of the U.S. school year is that it was set up to have summers off so that children could help on family farms during harvest. I don't know about your kids, but mine wouldn't know a harvest if it bit them on their bottoms. They need to be doing reading, writing and 'rithmetic. For my preschooler, she needs to get back in the preschool social set and stop shoving her sister and throwing elbows every time she doesn't get her way. I think about two months total of summer break would be sufficient.

How about you?

Velcro: you are tearing me apart!

Dear Velcro,

I'm over you. I mean it. For good. I really don't know why I've let you treat me so poorly for all these years. Sure, I thought we'd be good together. You were this cool technological advance in fastening! You were supposed to make life easier -- but didn't! Sure, I held on for a while even though I knew you weren't good for me. Then it seemed important to make it work for the kids' sake. It takes a long time to teach little fingers to tie shoelaces, or buckle up/unbuckle shoes. So I chose you, Velcro: the path of least resistance. Yes, Velcro fastenings are on just about everything, but mostly on the shoes and sandals. I guess it worked for a while. It was like a marriage of convenience. But now it's all so clear. You just stop caring. The bristly part gets all gummed up with lint. The soft part doesn't want anything to do with the bristly part after a while. So there you are with just about every pair of shoes in your kid's closet not staying on any more! Talk about a lack of commitment! Well, maybe it's not about commitment. I guess you are putting up a good front. You look like you're all there. But after a while, you just don't work. So then I find myself fantasizing about odd scenarios. Would these sandals still work if I could Frankenstein some kind of snap or buckle onto them?? Should I take them to a shoe repair shop? Or are they just cheap shoes, and I need to buy better, old-fashioned, less flashy technology next time. Remember lace ups? Remember one-two-buckle my shoe? I'm so there. See you later Velcro. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

R.

Airing of grievances

I caught up on some correspondence this morning:

Dear Weather,

You suck.

Fondly,

Heather

Dear Portland Public Schools,

Are you insane? This CANNOT be the last day of school. These children are not smart enough yet. They need to cook for at least another two or three months. Do you really want a bunch of toenail-biting miscreants splashing in our city's fountains and pools -- with their unsmart children? Really? Really?

Kind regards,

Heather

Dear Makers of Wellbutrin,

I have been using your medication for exactly 26 hours and it is not working!!!! Between the crisis in the schools and the rampant SAD epidemic I need faster results!!!! Where are my warm fuzzies? Where is my childlike euphoria? WE HAVE A SITUATION HERE, PEOPLE. The children are coming. They cannot be stopped. Please send backup.

BFF!!!

Heather

I just want to speak to a person!

I saw a teaser for story on the 11 o'clock news the other night that was going to tell me how to get an actual person on the line when you're trapped in recorded message hell. Alas, I couldn't stay up long enough to catch the segment -- and I could really use that information.

We have this health-care flex card for non-insurance-covered expenses. One day the flex card charge will go through no problem, the next day it's rejected. I've tried to use it many times this week because my son has been sick and we've been to the doctor's office and Walgreen's a lot.

The card is supposed to be a convenience. Without it, I have to add up and submit receipts and forms in order to be reimbursed for expenses incurred. It's paperwork I really could do without.

Now comes the phone part. When I call the company that runs the flex plan, I get recordings. You know, press 1 for billing questions, etc. There is no option for when your card is acting schizo AND THERE IS NO OPTION TO TALK WITH A LIVE PERSON. I've listened to all the options, I've pressed '0', I've thrown the phone across the room.

Did anyone happen to catch the segment on the news or do you have a solution to this frustrating problem?