Last night my husband met with his MBA study group, so I fixed the standard single parent dinner fare for my kids: Annie's Mac & Cheese (protein, dairy, grain) and carrot sticks (vegetable/fruit). For myself I unwrapped a wedge of soft, triple creme French cheese (protein, dairy), some rice crackers (grain), a side of Greek olives (healthy fat) and a glass of red wine (vegetable/fruit). While the children told each other knock-knock jokes, I rested my glass on my stomach and pondered French women. Apparently their secret is to only eat small portions of foods like triple creme cheese. But how do they physically stop themselves? What kind of God-given restraint lies beneath that cool, frosty exterior? And how come my right hand has like 10 times more age spots than my left?
When I came to, I realized I'd eaten half the wedge so I wrapped it up quickly, cursed the French and unbuttoned my jeans to relieve some of the pressure. This made me think of the Jessica Alba photos I'd seen earlier during my daily visit to People.com. Jessica and her Hot! Post-Baby Body! stretched out like a swimsuit-clad provocateuse, albeit a slightly vacant-eyed inebriated one. You know, Jessica, you don't really have to drink the Campari during the shoot. But no bare belly shots, eh? I'm thinking, you could slip any nursing mother with oversized mammaries into a one-piece, hose them down with tanning spray set to a natural shade of Oompa Loompa orange, surround them with speedo-clad manwiches, airbrush out about 20 pounds of stretch marks, dimples, arm wattles, chins, thigh baggage, knee fat, cankles and muffin tops and basically come out with the same result. I am not impressed, Jessica. Show me your washboard and then we'll talk.
At that point my daughter asked, "Who's Jessica, Mom?" and I came to a brutal realization. My children are seriously interfering with my inner dialog. I either need to get them totally up to speed or construct myself a portable cone of silence. So the question I pose to you is: does anyone have about 20 feet of plastic sheeting I can borrow?
How can you be so creative and funny at 6:45am?
Posted by: Dianne | 03 December 2008 at 08:00 AM
it just so happens that the master recycler plastic roundups are on hiatus, so i think i could come up with 20 sheet of plastic sheeting quite easily. it may look like bread bags and newspaper bags, but don't be fooled. it is high quality plastic sheeting.
Posted by: renee | 03 December 2008 at 08:56 AM
Dianne, when you go to bed at 9 you tend to get an early start. :-)
Posted by: Heather | 03 December 2008 at 07:41 PM
Ha! Ha! HA, I say! Jessica Alba's photos were slenderized! I'm stunned. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/12/08/jessica-alba-airbrushed-t_n_149182.html
Posted by: Heather | 08 December 2008 at 11:43 AM