Picking up toys: what is realistic?

We had an explosion at our house last night that's been building for a long time. My husband and I had told the kids repeatedly to pick up the playroom, even going so far to tell them exactly what to pick up, but they continued to mess around and the toys didn't get picked up. My husband took them to their rooms, doling out some pretty strong words, while I scooped up everything on the floor into boxes and bins and tossed it into the laundry room. You can imagine the tears. Even I was pretty shook up (though the playroom looks pretty good now without much in it).

My husband and I talked about it later trying to figure out if we'd gone too far. Neither one of us has a clear understanding of realistic expectations for a 6.5 and almost 4-year old in terms of clean-up time. We go through this almost every single day. The kids make a huge mess in the playroom; virtually all of the toys are on the floor. We have to walk through it to get to the family room and their bedrooms, so it's not like 'out of sight, out of mind.' If they are capable of making the mess, shouldn't they be capable of picking it up? It seems like they should.

Even when we help them pick-up, they still just mess around and we do most of the clean-up work. Threats of withheld privileges don't seem to make a difference. Turning it into a contest doesn't seem to make a difference. Talking to them about how lucky they are to have such nice toys and 'shouldn't you take care of these nice toys' doesn't make a difference. We are at our wit's end.

How do you handle clean-up time at your house? Do you have your kids pick up toys throughout the day? Or is it just unrealistic to expect kids this age to clean up after themselves? Or do you not mind the mess and just live with it? Any advice?

Comments

[jill]

I tell my 4 year old to clean up his toys but to be sure to leave the ones he doesn't care about on the floor so I can give those to Goodwill. Then, when he doesn't do it, I calmly pick up a toy (usually one I've been wanting to declutter anyway) and say, "Okay, I'll give this one away." Then I put it in my Goodwill bag. Of course, this leads to tears, but now all I have to do is mention that he leaves the ones he doesn't care about on the floor and he jumps up to put them all away.

If the room is really messy, I'll help. The rule is that when he is actively cleaning up, I will help put the toys away. When he stops helping, the toys I pick up go into the Goodwill bag. (Sometimes I'll put the toys in "time-out" for a few weeks, instead of Goodwill - but I'll make it clear at the time whether it is going to Goodwill or time-out, because he always remembers.)

The key is to remain calm and make it clear that he can choose whether to pick up the toy and keep it or leave it out and donate it.

[Jenn]

I so can't wait to see the responses. My husband and I have the same issues with our children, although a little younger. My oldest is almost 4 and youngest is just 1, so obviously our 1 year old is a little young to have the expectations of cleaning up everything. I feel our 4 year old should be able to clean up what she has taken out, we have tried putting things in bins with lids an only allowing 1 bin at a time and no new bins until the previous was cleaned up. We've organized differently, offered rewards and made threats, taken away toys and all of the things you have said. We've yelled at our wits end and there have been tears in our house too.

What we have been trying recently is a reward chart. I created a chart in Excel that has the days of the week on the top and on the left side are tasks that are to be completed through the day that we have struggled with lately along with a picture that represents the task so she doesn't have to be able to read it to know what comes next. It includes getting up and ready in the morning so I'm not late for work, to picking up toys before bedtime, they are in order from morning to night. At the botton there is a statement "If I earn ____ points this week I will ____________" and you set the goal each week along with the reward. The first week I set the goal low and set a reward of a picnic lunch at the park. We are in week 3 and the goals is 30 points and the reward is a trip to Out of this world pizza and play. We sit down before bedtime and review it each night and what she has earned points for or not and discuss how thigns can go better next time. If she doesnt' pick up her toys she doesn't get a "star" for that task for that day which takes away from the possibility of the reward. I then choose to not fight if she doesn't pick up the things. So far so good, although she doesn't always do each thing, she is accountable.

Sorry for the super long answer but feel free to email me if you want the file that you could then change....

[Mary]

My son's room was a disaster a while back - in January or so - and he through a downright fit/tantrum when I was trying to get him to pick them up. So I told him that as long as he screamed and pitched a fit I was going to be packing up his toys. He continued the entire time I was packing them up (it took about an hour) and I put them all into a storage room. He then had to earn them back by being good. And let me tell you, he was an angel to keep the few toys he did have because he knew it wasn't an idle threat from me! It took him about 3 months to earn back his toys. Some might call that harsh, but it really worked with my headstrong tantrum thrower. I only occasionally have to take a toy away from him now (we call it a 'toy time out').

[Hope]

We used to make a race out of it, but that got old and they grew disinterested. Then we tried the reward chart, but I got tired of trying to keep track of it. So now I set the timer for 5 minutes. If they continue to play by the time it goes off, they go into timeout for 2 minutes. Then we start it all over again. If they are actively cleaning and not playing but haven't cleaned everything up, I set it again for 5 minutes. As long as they are actively cleaning, I don't enforce timeout. And if only one is picking up and one is playing, the one that is playing goes into timeout and the other one finishes his portion of the cleanup (I have one that is very lazy and would let the other one pick up everything if I would allow it). It seems to work for us - for now. We use the same process for kids not wanting to get dressed.

[KarenP]

A lot of the suggestions here are good ones. But I would also add that you need to take a good, hard look at what's in the playroom. Chances are there's WAY too much. I have yet to see a household that doesn't have too much (my own included, though I really try hard). Try having your kids start with just 3-5 toys that they really LOVE. You can add back one or two at a time as they are able to handle it. Chances are, given a few days, their play will become deeper and more creative with a limited set of open-ended toys (Open-ended is the key here. Active toy, passive child. Passive toy, active child). If you just can't say no to the extra toys, rotate them through from tubs in the garage.

The next thing to look at is how they are organized. Does every toy have a place? are the storage areas visible and accessible to the children? Open baskets, clear tubs, low shelves. Label things with pictures and words--take a photo of the toy, print it out with the word labeled under it, and post it on the basket, shelf, etc. Peg board with hooks on it works well too.

If the toys are limited in number and everything has a place that is visible and accessible to your child, clean-up should never take more than a few short minutes. It's the thought of 20 minutes of clean-up battles that makes the thought overwhelming for both kids and their parents.

Also remember that, developmentally, young children (up to age 8 or so) have a much harder time discriminating the individual objects on the floor. All they see is the overwhelming mess, and they truly CAN'T easily focus on the individual objects in the cluttered visual field. Your job can be to help reduce the visual clutter. Literally push the extra stuff out of the way and focus on one thing at a time.

Here's a link to some articles I use with my early childhood education students. They're geared toward a classroom, but many of the ideas apply to home as well.

http://www.communityplaythings.com/resources/articles/designingenvironments/index.html

Good luck!

[Leslie]

I am the mother of 11-year-old twin girls. When they were the age of your youngest (4yo), I would limit the amount of toys in their room, make sure that each toy had a specific "home", and make a game out of pick-up time. We would sing Barney's clean up song and get it done. At 4, they need lots of help, encouragement, and they need to have fun!

By 6.5, we had moved on just a bit. Still, the toys were limited. But I had moved on. I would use a rake (yes, I bought a garden rake and kept it inside) to rake everything up into a pile. I would stand by to encourage them to "just pick something up and take it to its home." At 6 they still aren't ready to do it on their own.

Here we are at age 11. I still supervise, but in a different way. I wander in and out of the room from time to time to remind them of the task. As the girls share a room, if problems arise, I pull one out and let each one have a 10-minute turn putting their own things away.

We don't have a toy room or a play room and everyone is responsible for picking up their own things from the living room before bedtime. They have done that since they were very little.

I always offer something great for after cleanup is done like a snack or an opportunity to call a friend or use the computer or play the wii.

The important thing is to avoid a battle. Sometimes it happens anyway, but do everything you can to avoid it. And don't be too hard on yourself. The minute you find something that works, and the minute you think you've finally figured it out... they'll change. Just to keep you on your toes...

Blessings,
Leslie aka The Menu Maker Mom
http://menumakermom.blogspot.com

[Kerith]

Our kids are 5, 3, 2, and 9 months. We set the timer and do a 5-minute cleanup after each meal. Of course, we make silly faces and do crazy dances at the same time. :) They can leave out anything that is "in process" but if it's been left for 24 hours, it's time to put it away. It's not always all cleaned up, but it's not too bad. :)

[lilah]

I will tell you the truth.....Usually, pick up goes well around here. The key for our family is that we all do it together. I have a place for almost everything and we really don't have very many toys. If legos are left in plain site on the floor after I have asked repeatedly for the boys to pick them up, they get vacuumed up. Bye-bye. If the boys are not cooperating and out right ignoring me when I ask them to clean up, I yell and threaten until it is done. The reason that I always help clean up is that I secretly hide toys that I don't like(McDonalds crap) and other random stuff in piles under me or in my shirt so that I can get rid of them. Mother of the Year.

[Heather K]

I agree about limiting the number of toys, and one thing I found that worked with my kids was having them box up toys that they don't play with but don't want to get rid of. I put them in the garage with the intent of revisiting them later, so now every few months we go "shopping" in the garage and exchange out toys. It's like they have something new! I also go through their things and weed out the crap. It's not perfect, though, as we always have legos all over everywhere. I think a simple, easy to use storage system is a must, and we are still working on that...

[Heather]

Okay, I'm feeling MUCH better now. My husband and I have been reading all of these excellent comments and suggestions, and we both agree that there are too many toys in this house. And in fact, ever since I hauled off all of those toys a couple nights ago, the kids have happily played with the few remaining.

KarenP, your insight is golden. It makes so much sense about kids not being able to focus when there is so much clutter. Thank you!

[Lisa]

I have learned a ton with our house on the market and with a 5 and 3 year old. I made sure to box all toys into designated containers and we put back when done. So we get one out, play with it and put back. gave away many toys, let my brother store many (kids haven't missed) and play a ton at summer preschool classes, parks, etc. Lately we have been playing so much outside, it is easier for me to keep the inside clean! I am so sick of cleaning and making beds! Please buy our house!!! : )

[Julie]

By age 2 children should be able to assist in picking up their own toys. By age 3, they should be able to throw away empty juices, snack bags, etc. I would expect a 6 year old to be helping out with other household chores. (Like folding towels, taking out the recycles, setting the table, etc.)
Our 3-year-old still needs direction with picking up toys. When he is tired we often sit on the floor and say "Can you find the red block? Great job! Go in block!". However if he is told that He has to "put all balls in the bin so that we can play Wii" it gets done super fast.

[Kris]

This is probably the saddest story. I have a 12 year old and and 8 year old. They make messes daily and seldom clean up after themselves. I usually end up doing all the cleaning by myself. They complain, whine, cry, and the final straw would be me telling them that all the unpicked-up toys will go away. I am labeled as "mean and cruel" by my husband. He wants to keep the peace, but that translates to me doing all the work quietly. Just like the dishes are "magically" washed and put away, the laundry washed and folded...same w/ the toys. Please advice.

[Renee]

Kris -- your choices are few:

Either keep issuing empty threats about getting rid of the toys and continue picking everything up.

Or gear up for the fight and make the change.

My suggestion is you gotta do something. Do you really want to raise kids who expect that the world will take care of their messes? You can keep your word and get rid of it all and then you won't have to clean. Or they can learn to do it themselves and become productive, responsible individuals.

I can empathize with your husband, because I like peace too. But really. You two are partners. This will take team effort, and the kids will push back. Who wouldn't? Having a servant take care of your messes for 12 and 8 years is a pretty good deal. I'm sure this will be hard, but I don't think you can afford to keep things the way they are.

Good luck.