Learning to say "I need help"

We all go through tough times, and this week I've experienced one struggle after another: lice, mold, car problems, deadlines, and to top it off I haven't really slept for five days (obsessing about all this stuff). So this morning when Renee offered to take my preschool cleaning shift so I would have one less burden, I immediately said, "No, no, that's OK." Then I paused for a second and said, "OK, yes, that would be great." And it was. I could feel my stress level subside and was able to move on to the next responsibility.

I don't ask my friends for help very much. I like to think I can handle everything, that I've got it all under control. Then I hear myself screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) at the kids and pouring that third glass of wine and laying awake at 3am trying to figure out how to fake a family emergency that would require an immediate plane trip far, far away. All this stuff just piles on top of one another until I feel like I'm a walking time bomb. I am Britney Spears. I know that I could call several friends who wouldn't hesitate to watch the kids for a couple of hours -- just as I wouldn't hesitate to help them out. Why don't I? Is it the SuperMom complex, where asking for help seems like a sign of weakness?

Certainly I'm not the only mom out there who struggles to say "I need help." Am I? Who do you turn to when you need help? And what kind of help do you need? Marianne wrote so eloquently about Mommies needing Mommies earlier this week, and it's so true. I think we get stuck in the Martha Stewart mode where you want people to believe that everything is super, that my house always looks this great (even though I cleaned like a mad-woman before the playdate) and it's no problem to take on one more volunteer job, because I am SuperMom! Well, I'm ready to be human again, and I'm ready to ask for help when I need it (you've been warned). Are you ready? 

Comments

[Kristin]

First, you are not Britney Spears. Second, I'm the exact same way -- I was incredibly sick this week with a cold and a friend offered to pick up my son and take him back to her house for a playdate and I heard myself saying, no, no, I'll be OK. Then I get so frustrated with my life that I walk around like the ultimate grouch. Am I doing anyone any good by diving on the sword? I think for me it's about admitting my own weakness -- really, what is wrong with saying that we're human, just like everyone else? Our kids will be ok, our houses will be ok, our partners will be ok and we will be much better off...

[Carol]

So sorry to hear about your cruddy week, Heather. I also have a terrible time sleeping when I'm worried about things, and it is *so hard* to deal with kids when you're exhausted.

I laughed at your comment about cleaning like crazy before a playdate. It's always so great when your friendship with someone reaches the point where you can invite them over with your house in its natural state!

[Erin]

Heather- As always, you made me laugh (with your Britney comment). You are so right about how hard it is to ask for help. I long ago gave up on appearances because it's just too hard. My house is a disaster, I'm always in pj's and sometimes J eats bread and butter for three meals a day. I hope life will cut you a break soon- or at least a glimpse of sun might help too. My only advice is to try and sweat everyday because for some reason life is always better after you sweat. Maybe it's cereal and bananas for dinner for a few nights- your family will survive- and maybe the kids can fold the laundry and put it away (at least try). My thoughts are with you and I hope the stress eases soon! You're the best and deserve a rest!

[Hope]

This is such a timely post. I am going through the exact same thing right now. It feels as if I am constantly yelling at my boys, angry and on the verge of tears because I feel like such a bad mommy. I know I'm not, but really, isn't this supposed to be soooo much easier and enjoyable than it is right now? Thanks for sharing, Heather. At least now I know I'm not the only one.

[Marianne]

You are all SO not alone. I hate that I yell at my kids as much as I do, and I'm only just getting better at asking mommy friends for help. I hate to impose on friends because they have needy kids of their own who they might be screaming at, too. I am really fortunate to live close to a super-helpful sister-in-law and, more recently, my own parents have moved closer to us. I am hesitating less about asking them to let me drop off both kids while I run an errand or one kid while I take the other to martial arts class. It helps keep the screaming down to a manageable level. Hang in there, mommies.

[Hope]

Heather, I was thinking about the "not asking for help" part of your post last night. My husband and I are awful at asking for help unless it is a dire emergency. We would much rather figure it out on our own. But we both have siblings that make every need/want/desire known to friends and family. Which made me think, my husband and I are first-born - and so are you, right? Maybe some of it is the whole first-born thing again?

[Heather]

I get weepy reading these comments. Big group hug! I should say that my mom, who I talk to frequently, is great about 'picking up' on my high-stress days and offering to help. I lean on her a lot (love you, Mom).

Hope, interesting theory! Though my husband is #5 of 6 kids, and he is just as bad as me (a first-born) at asking for help. I guess it's just important to recognize that you have the quality and then figure out how to deal with it.

Renee sent me an email last night, reminding me that 'it takes a village' to raise kids. It does, and I need to remember that. I also need to reach out more to my friends. Marianne, you said that you 'hate to impose on friends because they have needy kids of their own' -- but I find that my kids are so much happier and easier when they have friends here. The thought of having more children in your home is often more overwhelming than the actual reality of it -- so it's seldom an imposition, and more often a blessing! Am I rambling here, or what?

[JillyBean]

Girls, I've got ONE and she brings me to my knees on a regular basis! My theory: Everyday is a new day to lose that "Mommy-of-the-Year" award!!
Has anyone else noticed how quickly the floor returns to it's pre-vaccuumed state...why do I bother?
Playdates?! I've spent so much time referee-ing the turf issues between my Alpha/Only Girl and her lovely friends, that I shudder at the thought. Though I recently realized that I haven't had to do it lately. So what the hey, drop 'em both by Heather. Just make sure we open the door before you back out of the driveway. And be sure to leave your cell phone on. Or you can stay and I'll throw a little something in the Shaker!
The truth is, we Moms can get through anything with our girlfriends. Just like a good bra, we offer support and a little extra padding when/where it's needed.
So let it rip, Girls: go ahead and scream after the fourteenth polite request and never forget that it's 5 o'clock somewhere! Just don't forget to pick up the phone!

[Betty R]

It's always hard for me to ask for help too because I don't like to feel I am imposing on others, and after a while that's what you just get used to -- trying to do everything by yourself.

Yesterday, I was running a 100+ degree fever and was feeling absolutely horrible. All I wanted to do was lie down for a few hours in a quiet peaceful room, but I still had to pick up my DD from school after her Girl Scouts meeting had ended. In my feverish state, I dragged myself over to the school to get her, and after I got home, I realized with hindsight that I could have called one or two of the other Girl Scout moms and asked them if they could drop my DD off at the house after the meeting had ended. I'm sure they wouldn't have minded at all, but the funny thing is that it never occurred to me to make that kind of call in the first place!